Concept · Unit 1 of 5 · 6 min
Four things that are not the same
- Hearing — the sound reaches you.
- Listening — you attend to what is being said instead of to your reply.
- Understanding — you could restate it in a way its speaker would accept.
- Agreeing — you think it is right.
Most conversations that fail do so between the first and second. People believe they are listening when in fact they are waiting, composing a response while the other person is still speaking. It is not rudeness; it is the default setting of an anxious mind in a disagreement.
The single most useful discovery
You can go all the way to understanding without going anywhere near agreeing. Saying "I see why that matters to you" concedes nothing. Most people never learn this, so they refuse to listen properly out of a fear of surrender that has no basis.
The listener's four jobs
- 1Attend — put the reply down. If you are composing, you are not listening.
- 2Ask — questions that open rather than test. "Tell me more about that" beats "but what about...".
- 3Reflect — say back what you heard: "So what you're saying is..." and let them correct you.
- 4Confirm — "Have I got that right?" Then actually wait for the answer.
Reflection is the step people skip, and it is the one that does the work. Being accurately restated is a rare experience. It tends to lower a person's defences more than any argument you could make.